So how is it that even though i’m surrounded by such a beautiful gorgeous family; an amazing and hard working husband and 3 incredible daughters; I live in a lovely home in a stunning area. I have fabulous friends. I basically have a settled life…. Yet I feel so overwhelmed and agitated!!!
It makes me feel so guilty because by rights I should be able to appreciate everything around me. Since I can remember I have had the worst anxiety. Things that I know are completely irrational even control me at times. It’s so exhausting! I can keep it under control the majority of times by doing things to help control my anxiety. Mainly because I would hate for my daughters to pick up my anxieties and I want them to be able to have the childhood they deserve without me getting in the way saying “don’t do this…don’t do that”! Though I sometimes go through phases of not having quite as much control. I remember anxiety being a big part of my childhood; but only recently, in the past couple of years; have I figured out that a lot of the anxieties and feelings I have aren’t actually mine! I’ve always been sensitive to other people’s feelings but I never realised quite how much!
Taking on other people’s feelings is completely draining me. I don’t know how to control it. It can’t be nice for my husband to see me so low when I go through these periods. Though I am lucky that he does understand me and knows it isn’t him or our life in anyway! I absolutely adore him so much so that quite often my anxiety is because i’m scared something will happen to him or our kids. Most people would find it easy to say just live in the moment and don’t worry about the ‘what ifs’! But for an anxiety sufferer it’s just not that simple! Oh I wish it was!!!
Some days I just feel completely overwhelmed and I have no answers as to why. It feels like I can’t catch my breathe. I get paranoid that i’m annoying people and they don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me….of course i’m always wrong and they think i’m daft but they know it’s just the way I am! I think it is because I am so sensitive to other people’s feelings like I said before. But how do I know what are my feelings and what are their’s???
Got some work to do I think. I’m not going to let this control me forever! I need to find a way of closing myself off to everyone else’s feelings! I find writing helps but trying to find the time to myself where i’m also in the right frame of mind and also not exhausted from running around after kids all day is somewhat of a rarity!
When I have these low moments all I feel like I want is to be on my own because I don’t have the energy for other people but in actual fact I know that the being around people is exactly what I need! Thank God for my amazing friends…all I need to do is pick up the phone and say “It’s not a good day today” and just like that we are together with Tea and cake having a good natter!
As I finish this I should most probably point out that I do see being an empath as an incredible gift! However I do need to learn to take control of this gift rather than letting it control me!
X X X
So I’m lying on the sofa at 4.30 am and I have been lying awake for the past 3 hours! I find my kids fully responsible whilst they are quite happily getting their beauty sleep! 🙈 I feel so sick! Most of yesterday was spent feeling really ill and to top it off I was out for the day with my girls and (bless her) my 8 year old was sick in the car right before the hour long drive home 😷😷😷 …That’s not a smell I need when I already don’t feel well. My sweetheart was so brave though. – she always has been when she is sick! We got held up on the drive home for an extra half an hour thanks to some charity walk! I felt guilty getting annoyed because I’m all for raising money for charity but was the LAST thing I needed yesterday. Then the twinnies both started coughing and making noises as if they were going to be sick. So it was a drive from hell! They had both had simultaneous explosions in their nappies a few hours before…but hey what can you expect with twins 🙈😂 …no it doesn’t work like that but yesterday they timed it perfectly.
So we eventually get home and my back was in agony on top of everything else because of being stuck in the car for so long! Eldest was then sick again and S and T both decided to have a meltdown, from what I only imagine was because they weren’t feeling well either. So I was juggling making sure J was ok, trying to settle twinnies (1 has a major issue with sharing me and her daddy, and always wants us to herself) that made it interesting to have them fighting on me but I felt so unwell that I didn’t want either of them on me! Things we have to do as mothers.
I feel like I have been constantly ill since January. Thanks to the rubbish weather I haven’t been able to shake off anything completely. Myself and my 3 friends have 8 kids between us. we are all so close that when 1 is ill we all get ill. Which actually makes it a little easier because we can get through it together and help each other out. We seem to have quite a unique and solid friendship where we bring out the best in each other and pick each other up when we are having a tough time. I’m very grateful to those girls!
Before them I had a very tough time with post natal depression. And felt extremely overwhelmed that I had twins. Twins don’t run in our families so it was a huge learning curve for me especially as I have an extremely hard working husband who works long hours to give us the life we have. So majority of the days I would have been on my own with the S and T and my eldest was in school. But thanks to the friendship I have with these girls I’ve never been happier. They give me the support I need whilst hubby is working and it makes the huge responsibility of me basically just keeping my Twinnies alive 😂 so much more manageable….
…..just carrying this on from before. Hubby was so good and let me stay in bed today to try and get better. I still don’t feel very well but was grateful for the rest! The girls have still been having major jealousy issues. S really hates having anyone else near us
She ends up standing well away from us screaming thinking it will help her case into getting what she wants…it never works but she has my stubborn streak 😅😅😅
Notice the missing drawers and shoelace holding the cupboards shut … Normal child locks apparently don’t stop our kids 🙈🙈.
Hopefully will shake off this bug by tomorrow because there is only so much bickering I can cope with while I feel rotten…they just constantly wind each other up looking for a fight!!!
My bed is calling me. Xoxoxo
Safe to say we have all eaten our weight in chocolate the past few days! I’m writing this whilst feeling a tad nauseous 😂😂😂 hey it’s Easter!!!
The twinnies have been on top form of craziness as per usual. It just seems to be a never-ending cycle of bickering! Luckily I have had my hubby home to share the load. I don’t think he realises quite how much the extra pair of hands really does save my sanity! He is a brilliant dad and my munchkins are proper little daddies girls!!! 😍👭
S has spent the past few days randomly coming up to us saying ‘bite, bite, bite’ as a way of telling us T had bitten her again…yet the times she chose to come up to us was when we knew T had been nowhere near her. She has cleverly figured out that she gets lots of fuss and cuddles after she has had a bite from her sister, whilst her sister gets in trouble. I can only assume she has started doing it because I have had to do a bit of tough love recently by not picking them up every time they scream. They have been getting unbearable lately with their screams being so intense and piercing it makes me feel like my ears are bleeding 🙉.
My back isn’t good at the best of times with having slipping ribs and other problems. Picking the girls up all the time can make my pain unbearable and unfortunately when 1 wants picking up, the other gets jealous! So more often than not hubby will come home from work and I will be busted for carrying both around at the same time….I can understand his worry for me as that is over 60lbs of child to carry around putting extra pressure on my back. It makes me really sad sometimes because I would love to be able to pick them up and cuddle them without a second thought/pain.
1 of these screaming episodes….courtesy of S…was purely down to the fact I would not pick her up whilst I was hoovering.!!! I offered to hold her hand but that clearly wasn’t good enough. So as you can see in the photo my only option was to hoover around her while she had a complete meltdown! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
They also spent some time giving ‘loving cuddles’ to each other….but on closer inspection that turned out to be strangulation cunningly disguised as a hug!
The only time they got on perfectly was when they knew they were going to be going to bed soon….they would play so nicely together to distract us from getting their milk and pj’s ready. Funnily enough it worked because we lost track of time. Definitely getting out-smarted by 2 year old twins! I blame their big sissy for teaching them that as she is the expert at sneaking off to her room just before bedtime so we end up completely forgetting that she needs to go! 😅😅😅😅😅
Proud of my clever girls…..I’m ashamed to say they have probably got their mischievous stubborn side from me!!!!!!!! Hahaha.
As I write this, my back is hurting/aching after letting my osteopath loose on it and my throat is hurting from shouting at the twinnies! They have been taking it in turns to have complete meltdowns for the past 2 hours 😭😭😭😭 I try to sit down and cuddle them but they don’t want that…they want me to stand up and carry them around. I can’t because of the pain in my back. It is times like this that I really feel like I’m letting my kids down!
Im in the kitchen now multi-tasking, writing this and cooking the tea. A very tall baby gate…well actually pet gate 😅 Because they mastered how to get over the normal gate…is dividing me from the kids.
My eldest is doing her best to entertain them and she is doing a fab job as a big sister, but when these kids scream I swear they are going to burst my ear drums. Today all they have done is whinge that the other 1 is playing with a certain toy even if they had no intention of wanting to play with it themselves!
I can’t wait until they can finally verbalise what they want because this screaming is driving me round the twist.
SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THE MADNESS!
Roll on bedtime!….just another Monday!
Firstly I want to start of saying how very much I love and adore my twins! They are 2 now and are identical girls….though we didn’t actually find out they were identical until they were 20 months old!
My whole purpose of this blog is my method of venting! 😂 …like I said I adore my girls but MY GOD they can really push my limits at times! I should also point out that I have an 8 year old girl as well….but that’s a whole different story who I’m sure will pop up in this many a time!!
My twins are capable of things that I never even dreamed possible. I feel most of my day consists of me saying No, Get down off that, Don’t do that to your sister, stop climbing the bookcase, stop trying to escape, leave the cat alone, stop eating off the floor like a dog, stop rubbing your biscuits into the carpet….and so on!
The worst so far is 1 of them is a biter!!! 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 …I’ve tried every trick in the book to try and stop her. Her poor sister has been covered in bruises before now. They started nursery a couple of months ago and go a few mornings a week. I cringe every time I go there to be told she has bitten again. Believe me I have tried everything, and yes that includes trying to bite her back once (as awful as that sounds; but was on advice of plenty of others who said it worked for them) but nope nothing has worked. When we tell her off and explain its naughty and it hurts. All she does is close her eyes and goes off into her own little world! If I can’t see you then you can’t see me mentality!
So as much as they drive me insane at times ….daily in fact…. I figured the best way of me venting and calming myself down and also digesting there recent conquests was to write a blog. And who knows maybe I will find someone else in the same situation…….I know there is plenty of you out there 😂😂😂. And in the meantime all I can say is thank god for my amazing group of friends, who keep us all laughing at the latest drama’s with their gorgeous kiddies!
I started writing this last night. And of course this morning my beautiful girls have redeemed themselves once again by eating their breakfast so nicely on their own…at 2 that may not seem much to a lot of parents but 1 thing I discovered early on with twins is that development stages are a lot slower. A hard thing for me is that my girls aren’t really talking yet! …. And right this minute they a colouring lovely together! That’s something else that is very far and few between….and if I’m completely honest the time it took to write that sentence; they are now chasing each other with crayons trying to snatch them off each other! So I’m going to write off now to break up fight 1 of the day!!!
Until next time … Xoxoxoxo