So how is it that even though i’m surrounded by such a beautiful gorgeous family; an amazing and hard working husband and 3 incredible daughters; I live in a lovely home in a stunning area. I have fabulous friends. I basically have a settled life…. Yet I feel so overwhelmed and agitated!!!
It makes me feel so guilty because by rights I should be able to appreciate everything around me. Since I can remember I have had the worst anxiety. Things that I know are completely irrational even control me at times. It’s so exhausting! I can keep it under control the majority of times by doing things to help control my anxiety. Mainly because I would hate for my daughters to pick up my anxieties and I want them to be able to have the childhood they deserve without me getting in the way saying “don’t do this…don’t do that”! Though I sometimes go through phases of not having quite as much control. I remember anxiety being a big part of my childhood; but only recently, in the past couple of years; have I figured out that a lot of the anxieties and feelings I have aren’t actually mine! I’ve always been sensitive to other people’s feelings but I never realised quite how much!
Taking on other people’s feelings is completely draining me. I don’t know how to control it. It can’t be nice for my husband to see me so low when I go through these periods. Though I am lucky that he does understand me and knows it isn’t him or our life in anyway! I absolutely adore him so much so that quite often my anxiety is because i’m scared something will happen to him or our kids. Most people would find it easy to say just live in the moment and don’t worry about the ‘what ifs’! But for an anxiety sufferer it’s just not that simple! Oh I wish it was!!!
Some days I just feel completely overwhelmed and I have no answers as to why. It feels like I can’t catch my breathe. I get paranoid that i’m annoying people and they don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me….of course i’m always wrong and they think i’m daft but they know it’s just the way I am! I think it is because I am so sensitive to other people’s feelings like I said before. But how do I know what are my feelings and what are their’s???
Got some work to do I think. I’m not going to let this control me forever! I need to find a way of closing myself off to everyone else’s feelings! I find writing helps but trying to find the time to myself where i’m also in the right frame of mind and also not exhausted from running around after kids all day is somewhat of a rarity!
When I have these low moments all I feel like I want is to be on my own because I don’t have the energy for other people but in actual fact I know that the being around people is exactly what I need! Thank God for my amazing friends…all I need to do is pick up the phone and say “It’s not a good day today” and just like that we are together with Tea and cake having a good natter!